To the Suggestion Box

The facility at which I am employed has a wide range of psychological pathologies. Among these are numerous girls with eating disorders - ranging from disordered eating to full blown Anorexia Nervosa. In my opinion, the facility is not equipped to adequately handle or treat clients with eating disorders. I've heard SO many staff express frustration, "why won't they just eat?! It's not that hard!".

I understand with the economy they are accepting clients from anywhere in order to stay afloat. It's frustrating as a staff member however (especially having been through treatment for my own eating disorder) to see the inadequacy of the treatment for these clients.

I was speaking to a co-worker about this frustration, and we came up with the idea of an eating disorder unit within the facility. There is an open unit (that is traditionally used for transitional housing, but has not been used in quite some time). There are plenty of girls on campus who would qualify to live in this unit, and then the facility could advertise and accept more clients with these diagnoses.

They would have to hire special staff - therapists for treatment, and staff qualified to administer food through nasogastric tubes. Paramedics are qualified to do this, and I would love to work in an eating disorders unit (I think...). It would have financial impact upfront, but I think long term it would be a financially smart move.

Eating Disorders

This morning, I helped one of my clients in treatment for an eating disorder do some research on eating disorders. I went onto the National Eating Disorders Assosciation's website and printed her out a couple accounts/"stories of hope" for her, as well as some scientific information about eating disorders. She also requested that I print some pictures of people with eating disorders - I figured she was going to do a collage (a lot of the girls do that for treatment stuff).

I printed this picture for her, among others. We had a bit of a discussion about it. She initially thought that this was a before and after picture, and she seriously believed that the anorexic image (not the reflection) was more beautiful. I tried to explain to her that the woman in the reflection is a very healthy and beautiful woman.

I however felt like a complete liar. All I could look at was her thighs and think, look at those disgusting fat thighs. Look at that cellulite.

What's wrong with me?! (Oh yeah, I too have an eating disorder....) I don't want to look like an anorexic skeleton - that grosses me out just as much.... The only thing I find beautiful is unnaturally thin and perfect and airbrushed figures in People magazine. It sickens me because I know that's not real, and I want to look healthy... It sickens me that I am (as well as hundreds of other women) are programmed to believe that's what we SHOULD look like.

She did make a collage. But a collage of idolization, and when regular staff came in at one, I learned that she isn't supposed to have images of eating disorders, because she fawns over them and sets goals to look like that. L. went to confiscate them, and the client threw a fit, and clung to them like a toddler - it ended up being a tug of war for the paper.

I thought at least the stories of hope I printed out for her would be helpful... Not so much. She read them as a "how to" guide, and at snack-time, she announced that starting tomorrow she was only going to be eating 100 calories a day, like one of the women in the stories I printed for her.

I felt so thwarted. I was trying to help her. I really thought I could give her some useful information - having been through treatment of an eating disorder myself. And big surprise.... What did I want to do when I got home? Binge and purge of course. I didn't. I ate my 2 pieces of pizza and my banana, and am now writing this.... so treatment does pay off... but it doesn't take the temptation away.

Oh for the love of lockdown...

A couple weeks ago, we had a particularly unstable client run away. She has been on the run since, and has been calling the facility all the time. This evening, I answered the phone and she said, "I'm outside". I tried to get her to tell me where particularly, is she on campus. Yes. Then she said, "Come outside. I have a gun.". I handed the phone to a staff that knew her better, and she said the same thing. A. hung up on her and called the supervisor. We spent the remainder of the evening on "code red". We were completely locked down. Nobody can come in or out of any buildings - on shift staff can not leave, oncoming staff can not come in. Clients have to be in their rooms with windows and blinds shut. The police came, and I had to give a statement to them. They spent several hours searching the campus with dogs. (Incidentally, it was snowing.)

Makes for an interesting night...

Calorie Counting Son of a Bitch!!!!!!!

Last night I was working with the most patronizing staff at work. He insisted on calling me "Miss MacKenzie" Even though I told him numerous times that it was just MacKenzie. He kept talking down to me about simple tasks. And he was really controlling of the girls (but also inconsistent). It really infuriated me.

The icing on the cake came when he was running snack time before bed.... He decided to limit the amount of calories the clients could have for snack. He was measuring out single serving cheeto's bags so they could only have a certain amount of calories. He was divvying up single serving packages of oreo cakesters... We have several clients with eating disorders in that unit (myself and the other counselor as well). I was so livid I had to take some space and leave the unit for a little while and go take a couple deep breaths and get myself under control. I'm still debating whether I'm going to file a formal complaint about it or not.

On Abuse Victims

We were having a discussion at work the other day about some pretty hot topics. It was an exercise designed to purposely provoke heated discussion, so we can learn tolerance for hearing the other side of the argument.

The statement was: Women who are abused who have children are guilty of child abuse if they do not leave their abuser.

I of course was on the side that NO they are not guilty of child abuse. It was actually split fifty fifty, which initially surprised me, and then on later discussion (I kept pretty quiet on my personal experience), everyone who was vehemently opposed to mothers being guilty of child abuse had been in an abusive relationship. Everyone on the other side of the argument had not.

One of the staff who had not been abused said, "It's totally is the woman's fault because she is allowing herself to be abused". I have never heard such an ignorant remark in my life. Victims do not "allow" themselves to be abused. It's a VICIOUS trap, and they don't know how to get out of it.

It really goes to show how little people do not understand about abuse. (This is another idea (of my many) on what I would like to delve deeper into with my masters degree).

Consistency... or lack of.

I wish that a regular spot (on days) would open in one of the two units I really enjoy working in. Sometimes it's so exhausting being a campus counselor - floating from one unit to another on any given day - sometimes multiple units within the day. Plus, the clients are NASTY and manipulative to fill in's like myself (some of them). I get so much "I don't have to do what you say, you're not my counselor". Well guess what kiddo, today I am. Every unit also has slightly different rules (based on their coordinating therapist), and a slightly different structure (or lack of structure for that matter). It's hard to have to memorize all 9 different sets of rules. All 160 clients names, all staff names....

Don't get me wrong, I still like my job, and relish in the consistency of a consistent schedule... I just wish that I had a consistent group of kids and staff that I worked with.

I would like to point out that Tuesday marked 1 month of my not talking to Andy. The block is holding. It is more than double the longest time I've been able to resist talking to him.

I still miss "him" and it still periodically hurts, but I'm not drowning anymore. I say "him" because there are very few things about ANDY that I actually miss. It's things like rolling over in bed and missing how his chest hair would tickle my nose. There are actual aspects of him that I've been coming to miss over the last week, but it's not enough to make me contact him ( how he smelled, joking with him about Star Trek, or dogs, or stupid people).

Part of what had me hooked so deeply on him was his consistency. He was always there - not always in a positive light, but he would always answer me. He would be there when nobody else was available, and I hug on that like snot. Interestingly, the further I get away from that dynamic, the more liberated I feel. I was always afraid that I would feel isolated, and drowning (like I felt in the first few days), but being able to utilize some healthy coping skills instead feels SO much better - and once I took him out as an option, falling into those coping skills came completely naturally.

CPI Cobras!

I finished my CPI training today... I'm officially certified to engage in nonviolent physical management... rather than my "violent" paramedic style management. It was an interesting contrast learning CPI vs. the tactical EMS restraint I was initially taught in paramedic school... You mean I'm not supposed to hurt the client?! While I am totally comfortable with the concept of restraining, and even restraining in practice, all of my experience has been on patients that I don't know, and I only have a relationship with for a max of 45 minutes. I'm a little nervous about having to restrain a client I know- I imagine it could potentially be a bit more emotionally traumatic...

(At the end of CPI we played CPI Jepordy as review, and the other team was the CPI Cobras... I usurped their team name. I was on the EXTREME team, and we kicked some serious CPI butt)

Two of my clients ran away last night. It made me really sad. They were caught, and brought back to the facility. One of them I was not surprised to hear about, the other however, I was extremely disappointed. She had been doing so well in her treatment and behavior... and she just totally demolished all of that. I wish I understood it more tangibly.... but if emotional understanding was easy, I wouldn't have a job.

Strength Based Care and Boundaries?

Sometimes I wish that my blog had more direction - a more specific purpose. However, when I sit back and think about it, that would be totally antithetical as my operating system is all over the map. It seems like a poor use of internet space to collate the different branches of my mind... Though it would be a bit more user friendly... I suppose I'm just not user friendly.

I have now been working at the adolescent residential treatment facility for three weeks. Today I started my orientation (please tell me I'm not the only one that thinks this is a bit backwards). Much of it was the monotonous 'wah wah wah wah wah' of the administrators, droning on about specifics of the facility. However, several of the therapists spoke about adolescent development, strength based care, and taking care of ourselves.

The premise of strength based care is that there is no such thing as a bad kid - just a kid who has had bad experiences. I really like this theory - it gives me hope that I can use this to avoid burnout and/or Secondary Emotional Trauma. Deep down all of my clients are good kids. They've just been dealt really crappy hands, and it's my job to help them see past that, and to actualize and achieve their potential. It was disheartening that several of the women in my orientation group failed to see the point of Strength based care, and were fiendishly inclined to "tell the client like it is"... And thus labeling the client with terms (rude, manipulative etc.) that they have heard all their lives. I'd much rather tell them how the behavior effects me/others than give them a label... but that's just me... Enough on Strength Based Care... I'm rambling.

One of the therapists (who is incidentally working on his PhD dissertation on the subject) gave a talk about taking care of ourselves and avoiding Secondary Emotional Trauma. He handed out a worksheet that included signs/symptoms of burn out... I have most of those signs already (even though they are from EMS), and for the first time since I started this job, I started to panic, 'what am I getting myself into?!' How am I going to be able to do the job when I'm already showing signs of burnout?!

So much of this profession involves setting and following through with boundaries - something that I do not, nor have I ever succeeded in (which allowed me to fall into not one, but 2 very abusive relationships). It's something I've been working on in my own personal therapy, but it terrifies me that I will not be able to overcome and succeed with boundaries...

I realize this last paragraph is hardly articulate; it is chaotic in my brain as well.

Workity work work

Job update: I still really love my job. It is such a healthy change over from EMS. In order to function in EMS it is necessary for one to be predominantly emotionally closed off. In many ways, that's what drew me to EMS. I have been learning to become more in touch with and accepting/compassionate about my own emotions - thus increasing my empathy, and I outgrew EMS... It just doesn't fit anymore. So while I took a big pay cut, every penny is worth it, because I'm happy at work.

Some of the women that I really liked working with invited me to go out to the bar with them after work last night. It was so much fun! They are so different then all of my EMS friends - more like my Hampshire homies... I think I really made some new friends!

One of the cottages that I really like working in requested to have me as their permanent fill in. That makes me feel so good! There are campus counselors who have been there much longer, and they requested ME! :)

One of our clients with pretty severe paranoid schizophrenia had multiple melt downs last night. It's so sad, because she can't understand it, and she can't process what we're saying to her to help calm her down.... This really isn't the right facility for her, but it's what the government will pay for. She has a really understanding therapist there, and she has her own set of rules within the campus rules... since she can't really follow many of them because she isn't capable of understanding them... It's sad. But when she's in a good mood, her laughter is SO infectious! I really have a soft spot for her.

Bread

I made the bestest lunch creation! With my sourdough bread dough, I made a braid filled with acorn squash, some spices and brie cheese. OMG it's so good!!!!!

I also made english muffins and a loaf of bread... I made entirely too much dough.

First Week of work

So I've completed my week of training and my first week of real shifts at my new job - though I suppose I can now stop referring to it as my "new" job. The overall feeling: I love it. I've found my calling.

There are 9 different units, called cottages, and each have about 18 girls, except for one that is being developed and implemented this week - it is conduct cottage - all of the clients have conduct disorder. They are going to be on high structure 24/7. I'm REALLY glad I'm not in that cottage. No thank you!

The typical week day for me looks like this:

First, we go to fill in, which is where the staff for the evening meets with one of the therapists for the cottage for an hour to get filled in on what's going on with the clients that day. That lasts an hour. Then we go and pick the clients up from school, at which time we have to search each and every one of them (bra's, pants waist, socks and shoes), and then run the metal detector over each of them to make sure they are not hiding any contraband. We then walk on line skills (silence, arms length away from each other, facing forward in a single file line) back to cottage, where the clients change out of their school uniforms, and have afternoon needs, which they have to bring to us. (This usually includes wanting to go to some programming that night, or needing to call their PO or social worker). Bathroom breaks also happen now. Only one client is allowed in the bathroom at a time (even with multiple stalls) unless a staff is in there the monitor. Most cottages have free time in their rooms until dinner, when we line up again and walk to the caffeteria. In the caffeteria, the clients go through lines and then sit at specific tables for their cottage. There are 2 cottages in the cafeteria at a time, but they are not permitted to speak to one another. There are some clients who are on meal programs - They go to the TLC (the learning center) unit, where they have to eat in a cubby in isolation. They've shown that they can not handle themselves in the cafeteria. There are other clients who have to sit separately from the rest of the cottage in the cafeteria and eat in silence. 30 minutes of dinner, line back up, then outside time - unless there is a crisis going on in the quad - which happens kinda often.

When we get back to cottage, the clients are not allowed in the bathroom for 1 hour after eating to prevent any purging. We do structure and diciplines - where the clients sit at tables and write their diciplines (they have to write 1 page essays about what they did wrong and why it's wrong and what the correct behavior should be) and if they don't have any diciplines that day it's study hall.

Then we usually do some sort of group - that has a purpose (like bullying, healthy relationships, racial or cultural diversity etc.). Then it's hygiene and bed time. In bed by 9:30, lights out at 10.

Throughout all the time they're in cottage, staff has to do random room checks between 4-14 minutes. This continues until 12:30 AM, and then the checks go down to every 30 minutes. But I get off at midnight...

So that's my day. I love it. Girls give me attitude right and left since I'm new, and I think I've been called "bitch" more in the last 2 weeks than I was in my entire run of EMS. But I know the only reason these girls are doing this is to push me away - to test me to see if I'm really going to stick around with them. I am. At least one girl in each cottage breaks down every shift (it's usually more), and it's really rewarding being able to talk to them, and really listen to them, and acknowledge that their pain is real (even if the words that they are telling me are all horse shit), the pain is real.

I really hope that I can give to these girls the idea that there are kind people out there who care... just by being one myself.

Goals

My goal for this week is to make one attainable goal each day.

Today's goal:

eat 2 servings of fruits and 2 servings of veggies.

Other things I'd like to do today, but it's no big deal if I don't get them done:

• make bread
• Laundry
• make yogurt
• set up for my party tomorrow

Yams or Sweet Potatoes

From my email from Door to Door Organics:

Yams or Sweet potatoes?

Several months ago we tackled the debate on the tomato, is a fruit or is it a veggie? We sided with the US Supreme court (no joke - you look up the decision under Nix v H edden) and ruled the tomato a veggie. A new debate has come up recently here at Door to Door, what is the difference between yams and sweet potatoes?

It turns out, in North America yams and sweet potatoes are used interchangeably, in fact, the USDA requires that sweet potatoes labeled as "yams" also be labeled as "sweet potatoes." The confusion started back in 1930 when Southern sweet potato farmers wanted to differentiate their variety of sweet potatoes from the drier, white-fleshed varieties that were being grown on the East Coast. The word yam is derived from the African words njam or nyami, meaning to eat. True yams have rougher, scalier skin than sweet potatoes and are often pale-fleshed. They are generally starchier in texture, and are hard to come by in the U

DITL - The last day of being a full time paramedic

Time to get up. giving me 35 minutes to get showered and get off to work - where I have to be at 5:45 AM. Last time I'll use this preset alarm.

Good Morning Amos!

Showered, dressed, and ready to go for the last day.

Getting breakfast - a smoothie with peach, strawberries, banana, raw almonds, and homemade yogurt togther. And my lunch and snacks - crock pot ribuletta (veggie soup with beans).

Feed all the babies - the fish, the kitty, and the puppy.

The drive to work... There should NOT be this much traffic at 5:30 in the morning on a Friday. Going 80mph down I-25, as usual, to enable me to get to work in 30 minutes.

Arrive at work, and do the morning ambulance check - where I go though every piece of equipment on the ambulance to determine a. what supplies we need, b. that everything important to run a call is there, and c. that everything is in working order.

And now it's back to bed... for a couple hours.

After a short nap, we are called over to base to pick up our supplies and to cover Northglenn while the supervisor showers (she was on a 48 hour shift). As usual, we were delayed by a train... There are so many trains in Commerce City it's nearly impossible to go somewhere without encountering a train delay. And it's a beautiful fall morning. Couldn't resist a pic of one of the changing trees.

When we return to our station, we eat lunch and play around on the fire truck - of course being fantastic roll models for our EMT student rider...

Tones drop to an MVA! A truck was crushed between a semi and a commercial dump truck going at highway speed! Extrication with the jaws of life was required (enabling me to take a few pictures until we could get to our patient). Miraculously, he was ok.

After the call, back to the station, where I clean out my lockers... (one for bedding and uniforms, and one in the bathroom).

And then have a little down time and watch and Episode of Angel on my computer.

Then we head over to station 26 to have dinner with the guys. We of course encounter another train on the way. Nachos, and Dibs for desert.

And for old times sake, I have another asthma attack, and get a duoneb - with Albuterol and Atrovent. It's actually my first problem with Asthma in quite some time.

And back to bed... Where we amazingly sleep all night.

Bye bye EMS!!!

Emotional Drowning

It's been approximately 48 hours since I talked to my ex. As I previously stated, I had Verizon block his number. I feel like I'm drowning without him... And I feel pathetic for feeling like that. How did I become the victim who feels as though she can not stand alone without an abusive prick?

I feel like I've pulled off a bandaid that was attached with superglue - and that when it came off it took off a ton of flesh, now I'm left with a very deep and painful wound... I wish I had some lidocaine to put on it...

Blocking the Ex.

I finally had the gaul to block my ex's phone number. For the past several months I go back and fourth not talking to him. I'll not talk to him, until I start to feel lonely or vulnerable and start talking to him and continue talking to him until I start to feel close to him again, and then I have to burn the bridge, and say something self deprecating or nasty to him (for instance tonight I called him a man whore, reminded him that I was nothing to him other than one of his harem, and that I hope that his dick shriveled up turned black and fell off)... and then stop talking to him again until the cycle repeats itself. I'm pretty good at not being the first to text him, its when he says the first thing that I lose all gumption and have to answer him...

I also realized recently that I don't think that I would have fallen for him so hard if we actually talked on the phone instead of just texting. That just made it even easier to project on him... and fall in love with my idea of what he should be.

He's an ass hole. I hope this blockage holds...

Weight's Correlation with Abuse

As I was looking through some photos of myself over the last few years, what I already knew struck me with further intensity than before - The longer I was with my ex and the more emotional abuse I endured... the more weight I gained. Interesting since through that time he also gained weight, and actually encouraged me to binge.

The Day I graduated from Hampshire College

A couple months after graduating, I worked at Action Care Ambulance, I was working a regular schedule in which I slept in my bed every night, I was making new friends, and I didn't really know my ex existed.

New Years Eve, 2006... Two days before I really met my ex, and also 2 days before I started working the 24 hour schedule full time. This is when I was at my thinnest, and was incidently playing a pineapple... Seemed like a good idea at the time.

At my one of my bff's (she shall be called Carolina here). July 2007. Had been dating the Ex for five months... starting to put on a little weight but nothing drastic... yet.

This is actually the day I broke up with my ex... two days after he told me he had been cheating on another woman with me for the past 8 months.

The "break up" didn't last long and I went back to him after a short 2 weeks of not talking... And this is when I began to be more conscious of the abuse... October 2007, and the weight continues to increase.

December 2007, Ecuador - increasing weight.

March, 2008... still sleeping with him, more weight. At this point, the ex's other girlfriend had begun to stalk me.

From June 2008-December 2008 I went to paramedic school. This photo was in 9/08... Still putting up with the Ex, still sleeping with the ex... The ex not so much an ex... weight increases... Not to mention the difficulties of paramedic school - most people put on substantial weight during p school.

January 2009, after paramedic shcool. YIKES.

March 2009... no comment needed.

June 2009, at my uncle's wedding... sadly still not at my heaviest.... But getting close.

And August/Fall 2009, I hit rock bottom (in many ways). Was depressed out of my mind. Really began to realize that how my ex treated me was abusive - not to mention my health deterioration became more apparent... I stopped sleeping with my ex... and I've since really starting working on boundaries and such with him...

March 2010... lost a little.

June 2010... Still coming off.

July 2010

Current. Not nearly where I want to be, but I think the difference is incredibly apparent... The more I am able to break away from my ex, the more I'm able to take care of myself. I know I still have a long way to to, but he broke down my self esteem and confidence to almost nothing... and it's a long road to build it back... Not to mention other issues effecting my weight (cough... MOTHER)...

Encaustics

I've been playing with my aunt's encaustic pallet. It's a wonderful medium (colored bees wax that you paint with when HOT HOT HOT). I just wish I was better at it. Again, I've been attempting to let go of what I wish when doing art, and just trying to DO it.

Conquering Binge Foods

In my last meeting with my nutritionist, we talked about some of my binge foods. I was at a loss about how to be able to eat these foods, which I love, without them being a binge food. My biggest binge foods are pasta, pizza, Chinese food and wings. Pasta I've got figured out. I only buy whole wheat pasta... and it's easy to make a single serving, and I try to make a veggie rich sauce, so I'm really making it a meal rather than a snack (I know, sad but it was a VERY LARGE snack...).

Pizza: I thought I had it figured out. Put a serving of the pizza on my plate, put the rest away. Not so much. It sets me up to fail - having the temptation of "just one more piece" 1 minute in the microwave away. The nutritionist suggested that I have only single servings in the house - personal sized pizzas. Also, only eat pizza if it is accompanied by a side vegetable - thus making it a complete healthy meal. I decided to add on to that and do away with my habit of ordering pizza. Not only does it "set me up for failure", it's an expensive habit. I decided to make my own crust, and freeze it in personal pizza sized balls... taking one out when I feel the need for pizza. I get more satisfaction from making my own food anyway, and tend to savor each bite more than I would if Papa Johns made the pizza.

I think I've also mastered my pizza crust recipe (AWESOME!). Makes 1 large pizza or 4-6 personal pizzas (depending on how big you want them).

2 1/4 tsp. active dry yeast

• 1/2 teaspoon honey
• 1 1/2 cups warm water
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 2 tablespoons olive oil
• 3 1/3 cups all-purpose flour
• 
  
• 1. In a large bowl, dissolve the yeast and brown sugar in the water, and let sit for 10 minutes.
  2. Stir the salt and oil into the yeast solution. Mix in 2 1/2 cups of the flour.
  3. Turn dough out onto a clean, well floured surface, and knead in more flour until the dough is no longer sticky. Place the dough into a well oiled bowl, and cover with a cloth. Let the dough rise until double; this should take about 1 hour. Punch down the dough, and form a tight ball. Allow the dough to relax for a minute before rolling out. Use for your favorite pizza recipe.
  4. Preheat oven to 425 degrees F (220 degrees C). If you are baking the dough on a pizza stone, you may place your toppings on the dough, and bake immediately. If you are baking your pizza in a pan, lightly oil the pan, and let the dough rise for 15 or 20 minutes before topping and baking it.
  5. If freezing, cut dough into 4-6 balls, and individually wrap each in Saran wrap. Place in freezer. To defrost, take out of freezer the night before using and place in refrigerator. Allow 30 min-1 hour for dough to do a final rise before making pizza.
  6. Bake pizza in preheated oven, until the cheese and crust are golden brown, about 15 to 20 minutes.

New Job!!!!

I had my first day at the new job today. I am SO excited to really get started! It is going to be really difficult at times, and very much an emotional roller coaster and one hell of an experience, but I really think that I'm going to be happy working there!

The group of clients I trained with tonight ranged fro 14 to 17, with a mean age of 16. They had a whole slew of issues ranging from heroin abuse, being raised in a satanic cult and EXTREMELY abused, to god knows what else... but when you strip away all of that, they are all really great kids with a lot of potential that just needs unharnessing and nurturing.

There was one point in the evening I was observing one of the counselors talking to a client who was having a really hard day - and it was just so touching watching her encourage, nurture and empower the client, I had to fight back tears. It's going to be such a different (and amazing) experience working with these girls to help them succeed... as opposed to the 20 minutes I get with them during crisis now (as a paramedic).

There is still (understandably) a lot of fear associated with my new position. However, it's not due to the intensity of the position (as most of my new superiors have alluded to being a cause of fear when first beginning). I've done intense. I think the thing I'm scared most of is the process of developing my new position, and how it's going to best support the clients and support myself... I've never had a position in which I was able to take care of myself... This is going to be one hell of a journey!

Changes...

Last Wednesday I formally accepted my new job - "Campus Counselor" at Excelsior Youth Center. On Friday I submitted my 2 weeks notice to NGA. Hitting send on my e mail has never felt so good as when I hit send with my resignation letter. My last day at NGA is October 1.

Then Saturday evening, it hit me... I am utterly terrified and a little sad to be leaving EMS. I've been doing it for nearly 12 years now - starting when I was 15 with junior ski patrol, then HCEMS at Hampshire, then starting full time at Action Care when I moved back to Denver. It has been all I have known my entire adult life. While I am extremely burned out, and chronically exhausted, there are still aspects of it that I love (driving code 3 for instance), the cool stories etc.

More so I think, I am scared of the change. I am moving into a complete unknown. I think I will be good at this new job - I feel it in my bones. However, what if I'm not, and what feels so right for me isn't? What will I do then? And what if (sniff sniff) they don't like me?! ;)

Pictures

This was a flower from one of my rose bushes that got SO big, it fell over and broke the stem. So I had to move it into a bottle/vase on my desk. :) It also smells divine!

My babies waiting for me to get home!