Calorie Counting Son of a Bitch!!!!!!!

Last night I was working with the most patronizing staff at work. He insisted on calling me "Miss MacKenzie" Even though I told him numerous times that it was just MacKenzie. He kept talking down to me about simple tasks. And he was really controlling of the girls (but also inconsistent). It really infuriated me.

The icing on the cake came when he was running snack time before bed.... He decided to limit the amount of calories the clients could have for snack. He was measuring out single serving cheeto's bags so they could only have a certain amount of calories. He was divvying up single serving packages of oreo cakesters... We have several clients with eating disorders in that unit (myself and the other counselor as well). I was so livid I had to take some space and leave the unit for a little while and go take a couple deep breaths and get myself under control. I'm still debating whether I'm going to file a formal complaint about it or not.

Weight's Correlation with Abuse

As I was looking through some photos of myself over the last few years, what I already knew struck me with further intensity than before - The longer I was with my ex and the more emotional abuse I endured... the more weight I gained. Interesting since through that time he also gained weight, and actually encouraged me to binge.

The Day I graduated from Hampshire College

A couple months after graduating, I worked at Action Care Ambulance, I was working a regular schedule in which I slept in my bed every night, I was making new friends, and I didn't really know my ex existed.

New Years Eve, 2006... Two days before I really met my ex, and also 2 days before I started working the 24 hour schedule full time. This is when I was at my thinnest, and was incidently playing a pineapple... Seemed like a good idea at the time.

At my one of my bff's (she shall be called Carolina here). July 2007. Had been dating the Ex for five months... starting to put on a little weight but nothing drastic... yet.

This is actually the day I broke up with my ex... two days after he told me he had been cheating on another woman with me for the past 8 months.

The "break up" didn't last long and I went back to him after a short 2 weeks of not talking... And this is when I began to be more conscious of the abuse... October 2007, and the weight continues to increase.

December 2007, Ecuador - increasing weight.

March, 2008... still sleeping with him, more weight. At this point, the ex's other girlfriend had begun to stalk me.

From June 2008-December 2008 I went to paramedic school. This photo was in 9/08... Still putting up with the Ex, still sleeping with the ex... The ex not so much an ex... weight increases... Not to mention the difficulties of paramedic school - most people put on substantial weight during p school.

January 2009, after paramedic shcool. YIKES.

March 2009... no comment needed.

June 2009, at my uncle's wedding... sadly still not at my heaviest.... But getting close.

And August/Fall 2009, I hit rock bottom (in many ways). Was depressed out of my mind. Really began to realize that how my ex treated me was abusive - not to mention my health deterioration became more apparent... I stopped sleeping with my ex... and I've since really starting working on boundaries and such with him...

March 2010... lost a little.

June 2010... Still coming off.

July 2010

Current. Not nearly where I want to be, but I think the difference is incredibly apparent... The more I am able to break away from my ex, the more I'm able to take care of myself. I know I still have a long way to to, but he broke down my self esteem and confidence to almost nothing... and it's a long road to build it back... Not to mention other issues effecting my weight (cough... MOTHER)...

Change

I keep becoming paralyzed by anxiety and fear of change at two in the morning. Perhaps paralyzed is not the right word - agitated and panic ridden would be a more accurate description.

EMS has been all I have known for the last 12 years - the last 4 full time. I'm terrified to leave it, even as miserable as I am.

I'm terrified that I'm not going to fit in at my new job, and that I'm going to find I'm as inadequate and ineffective as a mental health professional as I feel as a paramedic. Not only would that be a continuation of my feelings of inadequacy, but a huge deflation of what I finally feel I'm truly good at - working with people, my sense of empathy etc. It scares me to move from a medium high rung in the EMS ladder to the bottom rung of the mental health ladder. I fear that where I am looking for validation I am going to come up empty.

I'm also consumed with fear and conflicting emotion about my weight and my body image. I have been working with a nutritionist since February now. I have started to noticeably lose weight (or so I'm told). All I've been working on is developing a healthy relationship with food. I got on the scale last month for the first time in over 5 years. It was a monumental step for me. As my next appointment draws near, I almost hyperventilate at the thought of getting back on. Getting on once was bad enough, but I find myself preoccupied with the prospect of my weight changing (even if I don't know what the change is or even if there is a change - I asked the nutritionist not to tell me ANYTHING). I don't know if it's because A. I'm afraid of failure and feeling judged if there has been a gain, or B. because I'm afraid on some unconscious level that there will be a loss. I've identified myself as an overweight person since I can remember, and I feel like in losing weight, I'm sacrificing part of my identity and conceding to my parents image of what I should be. I know I don't have to get on the scale at all if I don't want to... I don't know what to do.

It's funny that a piece of balancing equipment can be so daunting and anxiety provoking.