Change

I keep becoming paralyzed by anxiety and fear of change at two in the morning. Perhaps paralyzed is not the right word - agitated and panic ridden would be a more accurate description.

EMS has been all I have known for the last 12 years - the last 4 full time. I'm terrified to leave it, even as miserable as I am.

I'm terrified that I'm not going to fit in at my new job, and that I'm going to find I'm as inadequate and ineffective as a mental health professional as I feel as a paramedic. Not only would that be a continuation of my feelings of inadequacy, but a huge deflation of what I finally feel I'm truly good at - working with people, my sense of empathy etc. It scares me to move from a medium high rung in the EMS ladder to the bottom rung of the mental health ladder. I fear that where I am looking for validation I am going to come up empty.

I'm also consumed with fear and conflicting emotion about my weight and my body image. I have been working with a nutritionist since February now. I have started to noticeably lose weight (or so I'm told). All I've been working on is developing a healthy relationship with food. I got on the scale last month for the first time in over 5 years. It was a monumental step for me. As my next appointment draws near, I almost hyperventilate at the thought of getting back on. Getting on once was bad enough, but I find myself preoccupied with the prospect of my weight changing (even if I don't know what the change is or even if there is a change - I asked the nutritionist not to tell me ANYTHING). I don't know if it's because A. I'm afraid of failure and feeling judged if there has been a gain, or B. because I'm afraid on some unconscious level that there will be a loss. I've identified myself as an overweight person since I can remember, and I feel like in losing weight, I'm sacrificing part of my identity and conceding to my parents image of what I should be. I know I don't have to get on the scale at all if I don't want to... I don't know what to do.

It's funny that a piece of balancing equipment can be so daunting and anxiety provoking.

I should go work in a zoo scooping giraffe and hippo dung

It seems like a relatively safe profession, and I'm a good dung scooper. I'd have a prolific golden dung shovel and my trusty wheel barrow....

There are times that I positively love being a paramedic: I love driving fast, with lights and sirens, I love helping people in their times of need, and I operate effectively during times of crisis. However, the closer I get to not just shifting gears in my career, but getting in an entirely different car all together, the more I find myself questioning why I got into EMS in the first place. Perhaps it was because until recently I was unable to identify my inherent strengths - but was rather focused on what I believed my strengths should be.

I do not like the algorithmic nature of EMS, being lowest on the totem poll, and the expectation from my superiors not to think for myself in regards to the treatment I provide. I do not like that I am chastised by my superiors should I deviate from the algorithm in my patient care, even if I can support my reasoning in my treatment. Rather than my mistakes being a learning experience, they become a festering sore and source of self doubt, which is only picked at and doused in metaphorical lemon juice by my bosses.

Giraffe dung is sounding awfully appealing.