Eating Disorders

This morning, I helped one of my clients in treatment for an eating disorder do some research on eating disorders. I went onto the National Eating Disorders Assosciation's website and printed her out a couple accounts/"stories of hope" for her, as well as some scientific information about eating disorders. She also requested that I print some pictures of people with eating disorders - I figured she was going to do a collage (a lot of the girls do that for treatment stuff).

I printed this picture for her, among others. We had a bit of a discussion about it. She initially thought that this was a before and after picture, and she seriously believed that the anorexic image (not the reflection) was more beautiful. I tried to explain to her that the woman in the reflection is a very healthy and beautiful woman.

I however felt like a complete liar. All I could look at was her thighs and think, look at those disgusting fat thighs. Look at that cellulite.

What's wrong with me?! (Oh yeah, I too have an eating disorder....) I don't want to look like an anorexic skeleton - that grosses me out just as much.... The only thing I find beautiful is unnaturally thin and perfect and airbrushed figures in People magazine. It sickens me because I know that's not real, and I want to look healthy... It sickens me that I am (as well as hundreds of other women) are programmed to believe that's what we SHOULD look like.

She did make a collage. But a collage of idolization, and when regular staff came in at one, I learned that she isn't supposed to have images of eating disorders, because she fawns over them and sets goals to look like that. L. went to confiscate them, and the client threw a fit, and clung to them like a toddler - it ended up being a tug of war for the paper.

I thought at least the stories of hope I printed out for her would be helpful... Not so much. She read them as a "how to" guide, and at snack-time, she announced that starting tomorrow she was only going to be eating 100 calories a day, like one of the women in the stories I printed for her.

I felt so thwarted. I was trying to help her. I really thought I could give her some useful information - having been through treatment of an eating disorder myself. And big surprise.... What did I want to do when I got home? Binge and purge of course. I didn't. I ate my 2 pieces of pizza and my banana, and am now writing this.... so treatment does pay off... but it doesn't take the temptation away.