Emotional Drowning

It's been approximately 48 hours since I talked to my ex. As I previously stated, I had Verizon block his number. I feel like I'm drowning without him... And I feel pathetic for feeling like that. How did I become the victim who feels as though she can not stand alone without an abusive prick?

I feel like I've pulled off a bandaid that was attached with superglue - and that when it came off it took off a ton of flesh, now I'm left with a very deep and painful wound... I wish I had some lidocaine to put on it...

Blocking the Ex.

I finally had the gaul to block my ex's phone number. For the past several months I go back and fourth not talking to him. I'll not talk to him, until I start to feel lonely or vulnerable and start talking to him and continue talking to him until I start to feel close to him again, and then I have to burn the bridge, and say something self deprecating or nasty to him (for instance tonight I called him a man whore, reminded him that I was nothing to him other than one of his harem, and that I hope that his dick shriveled up turned black and fell off)... and then stop talking to him again until the cycle repeats itself. I'm pretty good at not being the first to text him, its when he says the first thing that I lose all gumption and have to answer him...

I also realized recently that I don't think that I would have fallen for him so hard if we actually talked on the phone instead of just texting. That just made it even easier to project on him... and fall in love with my idea of what he should be.

He's an ass hole. I hope this blockage holds...

Weight's Correlation with Abuse

As I was looking through some photos of myself over the last few years, what I already knew struck me with further intensity than before - The longer I was with my ex and the more emotional abuse I endured... the more weight I gained. Interesting since through that time he also gained weight, and actually encouraged me to binge.

The Day I graduated from Hampshire College

A couple months after graduating, I worked at Action Care Ambulance, I was working a regular schedule in which I slept in my bed every night, I was making new friends, and I didn't really know my ex existed.

New Years Eve, 2006... Two days before I really met my ex, and also 2 days before I started working the 24 hour schedule full time. This is when I was at my thinnest, and was incidently playing a pineapple... Seemed like a good idea at the time.

At my one of my bff's (she shall be called Carolina here). July 2007. Had been dating the Ex for five months... starting to put on a little weight but nothing drastic... yet.

This is actually the day I broke up with my ex... two days after he told me he had been cheating on another woman with me for the past 8 months.

The "break up" didn't last long and I went back to him after a short 2 weeks of not talking... And this is when I began to be more conscious of the abuse... October 2007, and the weight continues to increase.

December 2007, Ecuador - increasing weight.

March, 2008... still sleeping with him, more weight. At this point, the ex's other girlfriend had begun to stalk me.

From June 2008-December 2008 I went to paramedic school. This photo was in 9/08... Still putting up with the Ex, still sleeping with the ex... The ex not so much an ex... weight increases... Not to mention the difficulties of paramedic school - most people put on substantial weight during p school.

January 2009, after paramedic shcool. YIKES.

March 2009... no comment needed.

June 2009, at my uncle's wedding... sadly still not at my heaviest.... But getting close.

And August/Fall 2009, I hit rock bottom (in many ways). Was depressed out of my mind. Really began to realize that how my ex treated me was abusive - not to mention my health deterioration became more apparent... I stopped sleeping with my ex... and I've since really starting working on boundaries and such with him...

March 2010... lost a little.

June 2010... Still coming off.

July 2010

Current. Not nearly where I want to be, but I think the difference is incredibly apparent... The more I am able to break away from my ex, the more I'm able to take care of myself. I know I still have a long way to to, but he broke down my self esteem and confidence to almost nothing... and it's a long road to build it back... Not to mention other issues effecting my weight (cough... MOTHER)...

Encaustics

I've been playing with my aunt's encaustic pallet. It's a wonderful medium (colored bees wax that you paint with when HOT HOT HOT). I just wish I was better at it. Again, I've been attempting to let go of what I wish when doing art, and just trying to DO it.

Conquering Binge Foods

In my last meeting with my nutritionist, we talked about some of my binge foods. I was at a loss about how to be able to eat these foods, which I love, without them being a binge food. My biggest binge foods are pasta, pizza, Chinese food and wings. Pasta I've got figured out. I only buy whole wheat pasta... and it's easy to make a single serving, and I try to make a veggie rich sauce, so I'm really making it a meal rather than a snack (I know, sad but it was a VERY LARGE snack...).

Pizza: I thought I had it figured out. Put a serving of the pizza on my plate, put the rest away. Not so much. It sets me up to fail - having the temptation of "just one more piece" 1 minute in the microwave away. The nutritionist suggested that I have only single servings in the house - personal sized pizzas. Also, only eat pizza if it is accompanied by a side vegetable - thus making it a complete healthy meal. I decided to add on to that and do away with my habit of ordering pizza. Not only does it "set me up for failure", it's an expensive habit. I decided to make my own crust, and freeze it in personal pizza sized balls... taking one out when I feel the need for pizza. I get more satisfaction from making my own food anyway, and tend to savor each bite more than I would if Papa Johns made the pizza.

I think I've also mastered my pizza crust recipe (AWESOME!). Makes 1 large pizza or 4-6 personal pizzas (depending on how big you want them).

2 1/4 tsp. active dry yeast

• 1/2 teaspoon honey
• 1 1/2 cups warm water
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 2 tablespoons olive oil
• 3 1/3 cups all-purpose flour
• 
  
• 1. In a large bowl, dissolve the yeast and brown sugar in the water, and let sit for 10 minutes.
  2. Stir the salt and oil into the yeast solution. Mix in 2 1/2 cups of the flour.
  3. Turn dough out onto a clean, well floured surface, and knead in more flour until the dough is no longer sticky. Place the dough into a well oiled bowl, and cover with a cloth. Let the dough rise until double; this should take about 1 hour. Punch down the dough, and form a tight ball. Allow the dough to relax for a minute before rolling out. Use for your favorite pizza recipe.
  4. Preheat oven to 425 degrees F (220 degrees C). If you are baking the dough on a pizza stone, you may place your toppings on the dough, and bake immediately. If you are baking your pizza in a pan, lightly oil the pan, and let the dough rise for 15 or 20 minutes before topping and baking it.
  5. If freezing, cut dough into 4-6 balls, and individually wrap each in Saran wrap. Place in freezer. To defrost, take out of freezer the night before using and place in refrigerator. Allow 30 min-1 hour for dough to do a final rise before making pizza.
  6. Bake pizza in preheated oven, until the cheese and crust are golden brown, about 15 to 20 minutes.

New Job!!!!

I had my first day at the new job today. I am SO excited to really get started! It is going to be really difficult at times, and very much an emotional roller coaster and one hell of an experience, but I really think that I'm going to be happy working there!

The group of clients I trained with tonight ranged fro 14 to 17, with a mean age of 16. They had a whole slew of issues ranging from heroin abuse, being raised in a satanic cult and EXTREMELY abused, to god knows what else... but when you strip away all of that, they are all really great kids with a lot of potential that just needs unharnessing and nurturing.

There was one point in the evening I was observing one of the counselors talking to a client who was having a really hard day - and it was just so touching watching her encourage, nurture and empower the client, I had to fight back tears. It's going to be such a different (and amazing) experience working with these girls to help them succeed... as opposed to the 20 minutes I get with them during crisis now (as a paramedic).

There is still (understandably) a lot of fear associated with my new position. However, it's not due to the intensity of the position (as most of my new superiors have alluded to being a cause of fear when first beginning). I've done intense. I think the thing I'm scared most of is the process of developing my new position, and how it's going to best support the clients and support myself... I've never had a position in which I was able to take care of myself... This is going to be one hell of a journey!

Changes...

Last Wednesday I formally accepted my new job - "Campus Counselor" at Excelsior Youth Center. On Friday I submitted my 2 weeks notice to NGA. Hitting send on my e mail has never felt so good as when I hit send with my resignation letter. My last day at NGA is October 1.

Then Saturday evening, it hit me... I am utterly terrified and a little sad to be leaving EMS. I've been doing it for nearly 12 years now - starting when I was 15 with junior ski patrol, then HCEMS at Hampshire, then starting full time at Action Care when I moved back to Denver. It has been all I have known my entire adult life. While I am extremely burned out, and chronically exhausted, there are still aspects of it that I love (driving code 3 for instance), the cool stories etc.

More so I think, I am scared of the change. I am moving into a complete unknown. I think I will be good at this new job - I feel it in my bones. However, what if I'm not, and what feels so right for me isn't? What will I do then? And what if (sniff sniff) they don't like me?! ;)

Pictures

This was a flower from one of my rose bushes that got SO big, it fell over and broke the stem. So I had to move it into a bottle/vase on my desk. :) It also smells divine!

My babies waiting for me to get home!

Week from Hell

Saturday evening, my partner and I got lost on the way to a call. Well, not lost per say, but the dispatcher kept giving us conflicting directions every 15 seconds and it got us totally confused on an already hard to find address, and had a 16 minute response time (we're supposed to have under 8 minutes). Long story short, we got suspended. In my opinion, it was not a suspendable offense. I also found out that the company is under investigation by the state for creation of hostile work environment issues... or something like that. Great start to the week.

Monday, my day of suspension, I woke up and was so depressed I couldn't get out of bed. I peeeeeled myself up only to find that I had a thick black sludge bubbling up from my kitchen and downstairs bathroom sink. I had to have a plumber come out immediately to fix it... $600 later.... I tried to perk things up and went out for dinner with my friend Shayna - a bunch of other people came too, and for the most part it was really fun... Until I went to the bathroom and left my phone on the table. They picked it up, and saw that I was talking to Andy... and started sending him a whole slew of NASTY texts - basically funneling all of my anger at him that they had heard, and all of their anger at him for treating me the way he did. He responded in a harsh, controlling and demeaning manner... which then made me respond like a frightened abuse victim, becoming worried that he wouldn't like me anymore, and that I wouldn't have a friend to turn to when nobody else was available... It had me continuously trying to pull myself out of a rut the rest of the evening.

Monday middle of the night... food poisoning from dinner. Shayna got it too - we split all our food. Crap. Then... My upstairs toilets wouldn't flush all the way and I had puke stuck in it. Wonderful. After pouring hot water and some enzyme cleaner in... it flushed for the most part. My brother is coming over tonight with a snake to teach me how to do it... gonna do ALL the upstairs drains.

Wednesday: a perk of light... I officially accepted my new job @ Excelsior Youth Center.

Last night I got a panicked and hysterical phone call from my mother. She sobbed, we've been in an accident, I think he's dead... I have to go. And then hung up. I was PANICKED assuming it was my dad that was dead. Luckily, I got a hold of my sister, who had been with them. Apparently Mom, Dad and Caitlin had been out for dinner, and on their way back to the house, they were hit by a bicyclist going probably around 40 mph. He was not wearing a helmet. The car is pretty messed up for a bike hitting it, and he was unconsious, and bleeding profusely. He's not dead. Apparently he has several fractures, a laceration on his head, and a subdural hematoma. But not dead. Not my parents fault either. He hit on the back driver side passenger door. But my mom's initial phone call scared the shit out of me, and I wasn't able to fall asleep for several hours.

I have to go back to work tomorrow.... lets hope for a better week.

Birthday/Christmas Wish List

• REI Lookout 40 Pack
• Platypus Hoser 3.0L Reservoir
• Half Zip Top
• Vera Bradly Little Betsy in Slate Blumes
• Very Bradly Hard Glasses Case in Java Blue

Silliness

This dog jacket was on steep and cheap yesterday. I found it so inane and ludicrous, I couldn't help but share it. For the super outdoor dog, a 300 dollar soft-shell for puppies!

And in the same vein, this is from a pet store where I get Amos's food. I want the Dog is my Copilot bumper sticker, but this one is pretty darn good too.

Adventures in Yogurt

Inspired by Anne Marie, I decided to try to make my own yogurt. The first attempt failed miserably, and all I got was 3 jars full of stinky watery milk. After re reading Anne Marie's instructions, I realized where I messed up.... I forgot to heat the milk up to 185... which is understandably a vital step. In the morning I made a fresh batch, which was a total success! I think... I haven't tried eating it yet but it looks like and smells like good plain yogurt.

Instructions:

1/2 gallon milk - I used 2% based on AM's recommendation, but I think I'm going to use 1% next time. 1/3 c. dry milk - mix the two together, and heat to 185 degrees. Remove from heat and cool to 110 degrees. Add 1/2 c - 1c. yogurt culture (such as plain stonyfield farms yogurt). Pour mixture into quart size jars, seal, and place in a 110 degree immersion bath. Make sure temperature remains between 100 and 110 degrees. Let yogurt incubate for between 7-10 hours. Refrigerate overnight.

I'm already scheming for my next batch - trying to decide if I want to make maple yogurt, or vanilla yogurt.... maybe I'll make a jar of each! Here's to mastering the basics and engaging in experimentation!

NaNoWriMo

Pressured/Persuaded by my friend, Clay, I just signed up to participate in NaNoWriMo - National Novel Writing Month. It takes place the 1-30th of November. The goal is to write a 175 pg, 50,000 word novel in one month.

I'm simultaneously really excited and really nervous to attempt this! I have a couple ideas that ar jostling around in my head - one of which being a series of short stories that are all inter-linked and related to my experiences and my stories of being a paramedic. It seems like good closure to this career and a way to move into the next.

Time to start outlining! I haven't done any creative writing since my creative writing classes in college! EXCITED!

New Job!!!!

I was officially offered a job at Excelsior Youth Center! They're still considering me for one of three positions (it's really all the same position, just depends on what group of girls I'll be working with). I have an "interview" with the supervisors next week so they can argue among themselves as to where I go. I'm super excited!

Now the next step... procure a part time job at a hospital to supplement income, and find an acceptable room mate to do the same.

I have two different people lined up to come look at the house - the first a girl tomorrow evening, and the second a guy Next Tuesday. I emailed one other person, but I haven't heard back from them yet. Fingers crossed!

Fabulous Day

Today Anne Marie and I went hiking at Lory State Park up near Fort Collins. It was a positively lovely day with lovely company (both Anne Marie and Amos). We did leisurely, albeit long and with at time fairly strenuous terrain, hike.

We stopped for lunch in the shade among some trees, where Amos (bless his heart...) chewed through his retractable leash, leaving only about 5 feet (if that). Utilizing the ingenuity of prepared girl scouts, Anne Marie and I managed to take apart the leash and fix it using only a pair of trauma shears, a knife, and a chop stick. Amos was hell bent on helping put it back together.

During the lunch hour, I also managed to get 3 sketches in - and I could have done more! My muse was with me! The photos aren't great, but I'm pretty happy with each sketch. I've really been focusing on not judging myself or my art as I do it, and I'm finding the more I let go of judgment, the better the end piece.

On the way back, we stopped for a prolonged period to take photos of Anne Marie doing yoga - both for her benefit of having a picture for her teaching profile, and for my benefit for practicing portraiture. To see some of these photos, please see my photography blog at: http://mackenzieandrewsphotography.blogspot.com/

All in all, the best day I've had in a while, but I do have to admit, I am beyond exhausted right now, and every muscle in my legs hurts. :) Good thing I'm getting a massage tomorrow afternoon.

Change

I keep becoming paralyzed by anxiety and fear of change at two in the morning. Perhaps paralyzed is not the right word - agitated and panic ridden would be a more accurate description.

EMS has been all I have known for the last 12 years - the last 4 full time. I'm terrified to leave it, even as miserable as I am.

I'm terrified that I'm not going to fit in at my new job, and that I'm going to find I'm as inadequate and ineffective as a mental health professional as I feel as a paramedic. Not only would that be a continuation of my feelings of inadequacy, but a huge deflation of what I finally feel I'm truly good at - working with people, my sense of empathy etc. It scares me to move from a medium high rung in the EMS ladder to the bottom rung of the mental health ladder. I fear that where I am looking for validation I am going to come up empty.

I'm also consumed with fear and conflicting emotion about my weight and my body image. I have been working with a nutritionist since February now. I have started to noticeably lose weight (or so I'm told). All I've been working on is developing a healthy relationship with food. I got on the scale last month for the first time in over 5 years. It was a monumental step for me. As my next appointment draws near, I almost hyperventilate at the thought of getting back on. Getting on once was bad enough, but I find myself preoccupied with the prospect of my weight changing (even if I don't know what the change is or even if there is a change - I asked the nutritionist not to tell me ANYTHING). I don't know if it's because A. I'm afraid of failure and feeling judged if there has been a gain, or B. because I'm afraid on some unconscious level that there will be a loss. I've identified myself as an overweight person since I can remember, and I feel like in losing weight, I'm sacrificing part of my identity and conceding to my parents image of what I should be. I know I don't have to get on the scale at all if I don't want to... I don't know what to do.

It's funny that a piece of balancing equipment can be so daunting and anxiety provoking.

New Job and Finance Woes

With my potential new job (still haven't officially been hired) at Excelsior, I will be taking a substantial pay cut - near to what I was making as an EMT at Action Care. I worked myself into a full blown panic attack at the thought of this because there is no way I can get by on that salary - it's WAY below my bottom line when I consider my mortgage, car payment, groceries, bills etc... And that's EXCLUDING any recreational spending or clothing allowance. I was up the majority of the night, tossing and turning, weighing the pros and cons of taking this new job, and attempting to devise a plan that will allow me to take it financially.

PROS

• It is a DEFINITE step in the direction I want my career to head
• It sounds like a very healthy work environment (unlike my current job)
• It has reasonable hours - and I would be able to sleep in my own bed every night
• I would psychologically be able to take better care of myself, and would be able to reduce my chronic fatigue (that is secondary to working 24 hour shifts)
• It's a field that I feel I would excel at, which would be a wonderful change... feeling like I'm GOOD at what I do.

CONS

• The pay is shit.
• I would have to take a second job (or maintain my paramedic job) in order to stay afloat
• If I take a second job I'm concerned that it would counteract my plan to regulate my sleep schedule.

I've been trying to brainstorm certain areas of my life where I could skim a little off the top. I've been trying to order my priorities for my spending, and figure out what kind of sacrifices I'm willing to make (as the only cons to taking the new job regard pay).

• Cancel my membership to 24 hour fitness. I almost never go anymore, because it doesn't make me feel very good about myself, I don't like going, and there are other *free* options for exercise I enjoy much more. That saves $30.00/month
• Give up or at least significantly cut back on massages. This is a luxury that I've afforded myself since being a paramedic, and it has been an integral part of taking care of myself both mentally and physically. I think that I've become more adept at other methods of taking care of myself, so this is something that can be cut. :( This saves: $55.00/month
• It occurred to me last night that I have no idea how much I spend on alcohol - between the liquor store and going out for dinner/drinks. The thought of giving it up makes me sad (which is bad, I know), but I think I'm going to try giving up spending money on booze. If someone else buys it for me, then it's totally ok to drink. We will see how much this saves me. It will also probably help me lose some weight, which is a good benefit.
• Chiropractor?

Ideas for supplemental Income

• I will HAVE to get another room mate. I have someone coming to look at the house on Tuesday, so keep your fingers crossed. This: saves me 1/2 of my utility bills/month, and Adds: $500/month
• Get a well paying part time job. Even if I were to stay at my Job in Northglenn, I don't think I would get enough hours to count on it as a source of income. I'm considering applying at hospitals as a tech position. Then it remains only 8-10 hour shifts, and I get to stay in medicine, and they pay decently.

Between those two options, plus some money saving sacrifices, I think I'll be able to make it work until I start graduate school... Then I'll live off student loans...

I should go work in a zoo scooping giraffe and hippo dung

It seems like a relatively safe profession, and I'm a good dung scooper. I'd have a prolific golden dung shovel and my trusty wheel barrow....

There are times that I positively love being a paramedic: I love driving fast, with lights and sirens, I love helping people in their times of need, and I operate effectively during times of crisis. However, the closer I get to not just shifting gears in my career, but getting in an entirely different car all together, the more I find myself questioning why I got into EMS in the first place. Perhaps it was because until recently I was unable to identify my inherent strengths - but was rather focused on what I believed my strengths should be.

I do not like the algorithmic nature of EMS, being lowest on the totem poll, and the expectation from my superiors not to think for myself in regards to the treatment I provide. I do not like that I am chastised by my superiors should I deviate from the algorithm in my patient care, even if I can support my reasoning in my treatment. Rather than my mistakes being a learning experience, they become a festering sore and source of self doubt, which is only picked at and doused in metaphorical lemon juice by my bosses.

Giraffe dung is sounding awfully appealing.

First week of art

This post is a continuation of my goal from my Livejournal account - which I have become beyond fed up with in the past 24 hours... hence a new blogspot account!

Last week, inspired by my cousin, Katie, I made a goal to reinvest myself in my art. I don't care how good or bad it is, but to just engage in the act of artistic creation for a little bit every day. It has definitely been a challenge not to be hypercritical of my work (I was told by my 8th grade art teacher to put my efforts elsewhere, and it was devastating). It's always been something I've enjoyed, and now, 13 years after the deflation by the evil 8th grade art teacher, I am reclaiming my love of creation.

I know - I screwed the om up.