Oh for the love of lockdown...

A couple weeks ago, we had a particularly unstable client run away. She has been on the run since, and has been calling the facility all the time. This evening, I answered the phone and she said, "I'm outside". I tried to get her to tell me where particularly, is she on campus. Yes. Then she said, "Come outside. I have a gun.". I handed the phone to a staff that knew her better, and she said the same thing. A. hung up on her and called the supervisor. We spent the remainder of the evening on "code red". We were completely locked down. Nobody can come in or out of any buildings - on shift staff can not leave, oncoming staff can not come in. Clients have to be in their rooms with windows and blinds shut. The police came, and I had to give a statement to them. They spent several hours searching the campus with dogs. (Incidentally, it was snowing.)

Makes for an interesting night...

Calorie Counting Son of a Bitch!!!!!!!

Last night I was working with the most patronizing staff at work. He insisted on calling me "Miss MacKenzie" Even though I told him numerous times that it was just MacKenzie. He kept talking down to me about simple tasks. And he was really controlling of the girls (but also inconsistent). It really infuriated me.

The icing on the cake came when he was running snack time before bed.... He decided to limit the amount of calories the clients could have for snack. He was measuring out single serving cheeto's bags so they could only have a certain amount of calories. He was divvying up single serving packages of oreo cakesters... We have several clients with eating disorders in that unit (myself and the other counselor as well). I was so livid I had to take some space and leave the unit for a little while and go take a couple deep breaths and get myself under control. I'm still debating whether I'm going to file a formal complaint about it or not.

On Abuse Victims

We were having a discussion at work the other day about some pretty hot topics. It was an exercise designed to purposely provoke heated discussion, so we can learn tolerance for hearing the other side of the argument.

The statement was: Women who are abused who have children are guilty of child abuse if they do not leave their abuser.

I of course was on the side that NO they are not guilty of child abuse. It was actually split fifty fifty, which initially surprised me, and then on later discussion (I kept pretty quiet on my personal experience), everyone who was vehemently opposed to mothers being guilty of child abuse had been in an abusive relationship. Everyone on the other side of the argument had not.

One of the staff who had not been abused said, "It's totally is the woman's fault because she is allowing herself to be abused". I have never heard such an ignorant remark in my life. Victims do not "allow" themselves to be abused. It's a VICIOUS trap, and they don't know how to get out of it.

It really goes to show how little people do not understand about abuse. (This is another idea (of my many) on what I would like to delve deeper into with my masters degree).

Consistency... or lack of.

I wish that a regular spot (on days) would open in one of the two units I really enjoy working in. Sometimes it's so exhausting being a campus counselor - floating from one unit to another on any given day - sometimes multiple units within the day. Plus, the clients are NASTY and manipulative to fill in's like myself (some of them). I get so much "I don't have to do what you say, you're not my counselor". Well guess what kiddo, today I am. Every unit also has slightly different rules (based on their coordinating therapist), and a slightly different structure (or lack of structure for that matter). It's hard to have to memorize all 9 different sets of rules. All 160 clients names, all staff names....

Don't get me wrong, I still like my job, and relish in the consistency of a consistent schedule... I just wish that I had a consistent group of kids and staff that I worked with.

I would like to point out that Tuesday marked 1 month of my not talking to Andy. The block is holding. It is more than double the longest time I've been able to resist talking to him.

I still miss "him" and it still periodically hurts, but I'm not drowning anymore. I say "him" because there are very few things about ANDY that I actually miss. It's things like rolling over in bed and missing how his chest hair would tickle my nose. There are actual aspects of him that I've been coming to miss over the last week, but it's not enough to make me contact him ( how he smelled, joking with him about Star Trek, or dogs, or stupid people).

Part of what had me hooked so deeply on him was his consistency. He was always there - not always in a positive light, but he would always answer me. He would be there when nobody else was available, and I hug on that like snot. Interestingly, the further I get away from that dynamic, the more liberated I feel. I was always afraid that I would feel isolated, and drowning (like I felt in the first few days), but being able to utilize some healthy coping skills instead feels SO much better - and once I took him out as an option, falling into those coping skills came completely naturally.

CPI Cobras!

I finished my CPI training today... I'm officially certified to engage in nonviolent physical management... rather than my "violent" paramedic style management. It was an interesting contrast learning CPI vs. the tactical EMS restraint I was initially taught in paramedic school... You mean I'm not supposed to hurt the client?! While I am totally comfortable with the concept of restraining, and even restraining in practice, all of my experience has been on patients that I don't know, and I only have a relationship with for a max of 45 minutes. I'm a little nervous about having to restrain a client I know- I imagine it could potentially be a bit more emotionally traumatic...

(At the end of CPI we played CPI Jepordy as review, and the other team was the CPI Cobras... I usurped their team name. I was on the EXTREME team, and we kicked some serious CPI butt)

Two of my clients ran away last night. It made me really sad. They were caught, and brought back to the facility. One of them I was not surprised to hear about, the other however, I was extremely disappointed. She had been doing so well in her treatment and behavior... and she just totally demolished all of that. I wish I understood it more tangibly.... but if emotional understanding was easy, I wouldn't have a job.