Blocking the Ex.

I finally had the gaul to block my ex's phone number. For the past several months I go back and fourth not talking to him. I'll not talk to him, until I start to feel lonely or vulnerable and start talking to him and continue talking to him until I start to feel close to him again, and then I have to burn the bridge, and say something self deprecating or nasty to him (for instance tonight I called him a man whore, reminded him that I was nothing to him other than one of his harem, and that I hope that his dick shriveled up turned black and fell off)... and then stop talking to him again until the cycle repeats itself. I'm pretty good at not being the first to text him, its when he says the first thing that I lose all gumption and have to answer him...

I also realized recently that I don't think that I would have fallen for him so hard if we actually talked on the phone instead of just texting. That just made it even easier to project on him... and fall in love with my idea of what he should be.

He's an ass hole. I hope this blockage holds...

Weight's Correlation with Abuse

As I was looking through some photos of myself over the last few years, what I already knew struck me with further intensity than before - The longer I was with my ex and the more emotional abuse I endured... the more weight I gained. Interesting since through that time he also gained weight, and actually encouraged me to binge.

The Day I graduated from Hampshire College

A couple months after graduating, I worked at Action Care Ambulance, I was working a regular schedule in which I slept in my bed every night, I was making new friends, and I didn't really know my ex existed.

New Years Eve, 2006... Two days before I really met my ex, and also 2 days before I started working the 24 hour schedule full time. This is when I was at my thinnest, and was incidently playing a pineapple... Seemed like a good idea at the time.

At my one of my bff's (she shall be called Carolina here). July 2007. Had been dating the Ex for five months... starting to put on a little weight but nothing drastic... yet.

This is actually the day I broke up with my ex... two days after he told me he had been cheating on another woman with me for the past 8 months.

The "break up" didn't last long and I went back to him after a short 2 weeks of not talking... And this is when I began to be more conscious of the abuse... October 2007, and the weight continues to increase.

December 2007, Ecuador - increasing weight.

March, 2008... still sleeping with him, more weight. At this point, the ex's other girlfriend had begun to stalk me.

From June 2008-December 2008 I went to paramedic school. This photo was in 9/08... Still putting up with the Ex, still sleeping with the ex... The ex not so much an ex... weight increases... Not to mention the difficulties of paramedic school - most people put on substantial weight during p school.

January 2009, after paramedic shcool. YIKES.

March 2009... no comment needed.

June 2009, at my uncle's wedding... sadly still not at my heaviest.... But getting close.

And August/Fall 2009, I hit rock bottom (in many ways). Was depressed out of my mind. Really began to realize that how my ex treated me was abusive - not to mention my health deterioration became more apparent... I stopped sleeping with my ex... and I've since really starting working on boundaries and such with him...

March 2010... lost a little.

June 2010... Still coming off.

July 2010

Current. Not nearly where I want to be, but I think the difference is incredibly apparent... The more I am able to break away from my ex, the more I'm able to take care of myself. I know I still have a long way to to, but he broke down my self esteem and confidence to almost nothing... and it's a long road to build it back... Not to mention other issues effecting my weight (cough... MOTHER)...

Encaustics

I've been playing with my aunt's encaustic pallet. It's a wonderful medium (colored bees wax that you paint with when HOT HOT HOT). I just wish I was better at it. Again, I've been attempting to let go of what I wish when doing art, and just trying to DO it.

Conquering Binge Foods

In my last meeting with my nutritionist, we talked about some of my binge foods. I was at a loss about how to be able to eat these foods, which I love, without them being a binge food. My biggest binge foods are pasta, pizza, Chinese food and wings. Pasta I've got figured out. I only buy whole wheat pasta... and it's easy to make a single serving, and I try to make a veggie rich sauce, so I'm really making it a meal rather than a snack (I know, sad but it was a VERY LARGE snack...).

Pizza: I thought I had it figured out. Put a serving of the pizza on my plate, put the rest away. Not so much. It sets me up to fail - having the temptation of "just one more piece" 1 minute in the microwave away. The nutritionist suggested that I have only single servings in the house - personal sized pizzas. Also, only eat pizza if it is accompanied by a side vegetable - thus making it a complete healthy meal. I decided to add on to that and do away with my habit of ordering pizza. Not only does it "set me up for failure", it's an expensive habit. I decided to make my own crust, and freeze it in personal pizza sized balls... taking one out when I feel the need for pizza. I get more satisfaction from making my own food anyway, and tend to savor each bite more than I would if Papa Johns made the pizza.

I think I've also mastered my pizza crust recipe (AWESOME!). Makes 1 large pizza or 4-6 personal pizzas (depending on how big you want them).

2 1/4 tsp. active dry yeast

• 1/2 teaspoon honey
• 1 1/2 cups warm water
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 2 tablespoons olive oil
• 3 1/3 cups all-purpose flour
• 
  
• 1. In a large bowl, dissolve the yeast and brown sugar in the water, and let sit for 10 minutes.
  2. Stir the salt and oil into the yeast solution. Mix in 2 1/2 cups of the flour.
  3. Turn dough out onto a clean, well floured surface, and knead in more flour until the dough is no longer sticky. Place the dough into a well oiled bowl, and cover with a cloth. Let the dough rise until double; this should take about 1 hour. Punch down the dough, and form a tight ball. Allow the dough to relax for a minute before rolling out. Use for your favorite pizza recipe.
  4. Preheat oven to 425 degrees F (220 degrees C). If you are baking the dough on a pizza stone, you may place your toppings on the dough, and bake immediately. If you are baking your pizza in a pan, lightly oil the pan, and let the dough rise for 15 or 20 minutes before topping and baking it.
  5. If freezing, cut dough into 4-6 balls, and individually wrap each in Saran wrap. Place in freezer. To defrost, take out of freezer the night before using and place in refrigerator. Allow 30 min-1 hour for dough to do a final rise before making pizza.
  6. Bake pizza in preheated oven, until the cheese and crust are golden brown, about 15 to 20 minutes.

New Job!!!!

I had my first day at the new job today. I am SO excited to really get started! It is going to be really difficult at times, and very much an emotional roller coaster and one hell of an experience, but I really think that I'm going to be happy working there!

The group of clients I trained with tonight ranged fro 14 to 17, with a mean age of 16. They had a whole slew of issues ranging from heroin abuse, being raised in a satanic cult and EXTREMELY abused, to god knows what else... but when you strip away all of that, they are all really great kids with a lot of potential that just needs unharnessing and nurturing.

There was one point in the evening I was observing one of the counselors talking to a client who was having a really hard day - and it was just so touching watching her encourage, nurture and empower the client, I had to fight back tears. It's going to be such a different (and amazing) experience working with these girls to help them succeed... as opposed to the 20 minutes I get with them during crisis now (as a paramedic).

There is still (understandably) a lot of fear associated with my new position. However, it's not due to the intensity of the position (as most of my new superiors have alluded to being a cause of fear when first beginning). I've done intense. I think the thing I'm scared most of is the process of developing my new position, and how it's going to best support the clients and support myself... I've never had a position in which I was able to take care of myself... This is going to be one hell of a journey!

Changes...

Last Wednesday I formally accepted my new job - "Campus Counselor" at Excelsior Youth Center. On Friday I submitted my 2 weeks notice to NGA. Hitting send on my e mail has never felt so good as when I hit send with my resignation letter. My last day at NGA is October 1.

Then Saturday evening, it hit me... I am utterly terrified and a little sad to be leaving EMS. I've been doing it for nearly 12 years now - starting when I was 15 with junior ski patrol, then HCEMS at Hampshire, then starting full time at Action Care when I moved back to Denver. It has been all I have known my entire adult life. While I am extremely burned out, and chronically exhausted, there are still aspects of it that I love (driving code 3 for instance), the cool stories etc.

More so I think, I am scared of the change. I am moving into a complete unknown. I think I will be good at this new job - I feel it in my bones. However, what if I'm not, and what feels so right for me isn't? What will I do then? And what if (sniff sniff) they don't like me?! ;)

Pictures

This was a flower from one of my rose bushes that got SO big, it fell over and broke the stem. So I had to move it into a bottle/vase on my desk. :) It also smells divine!

My babies waiting for me to get home!