I would like to point out that Tuesday marked 1 month of my not talking to Andy. The block is holding. It is more than double the longest time I've been able to resist talking to him.

I still miss "him" and it still periodically hurts, but I'm not drowning anymore. I say "him" because there are very few things about ANDY that I actually miss. It's things like rolling over in bed and missing how his chest hair would tickle my nose. There are actual aspects of him that I've been coming to miss over the last week, but it's not enough to make me contact him ( how he smelled, joking with him about Star Trek, or dogs, or stupid people).

Part of what had me hooked so deeply on him was his consistency. He was always there - not always in a positive light, but he would always answer me. He would be there when nobody else was available, and I hug on that like snot. Interestingly, the further I get away from that dynamic, the more liberated I feel. I was always afraid that I would feel isolated, and drowning (like I felt in the first few days), but being able to utilize some healthy coping skills instead feels SO much better - and once I took him out as an option, falling into those coping skills came completely naturally.

CPI Cobras!

I finished my CPI training today... I'm officially certified to engage in nonviolent physical management... rather than my "violent" paramedic style management. It was an interesting contrast learning CPI vs. the tactical EMS restraint I was initially taught in paramedic school... You mean I'm not supposed to hurt the client?! While I am totally comfortable with the concept of restraining, and even restraining in practice, all of my experience has been on patients that I don't know, and I only have a relationship with for a max of 45 minutes. I'm a little nervous about having to restrain a client I know- I imagine it could potentially be a bit more emotionally traumatic...

(At the end of CPI we played CPI Jepordy as review, and the other team was the CPI Cobras... I usurped their team name. I was on the EXTREME team, and we kicked some serious CPI butt)

Two of my clients ran away last night. It made me really sad. They were caught, and brought back to the facility. One of them I was not surprised to hear about, the other however, I was extremely disappointed. She had been doing so well in her treatment and behavior... and she just totally demolished all of that. I wish I understood it more tangibly.... but if emotional understanding was easy, I wouldn't have a job.

Strength Based Care and Boundaries?

Sometimes I wish that my blog had more direction - a more specific purpose. However, when I sit back and think about it, that would be totally antithetical as my operating system is all over the map. It seems like a poor use of internet space to collate the different branches of my mind... Though it would be a bit more user friendly... I suppose I'm just not user friendly.

I have now been working at the adolescent residential treatment facility for three weeks. Today I started my orientation (please tell me I'm not the only one that thinks this is a bit backwards). Much of it was the monotonous 'wah wah wah wah wah' of the administrators, droning on about specifics of the facility. However, several of the therapists spoke about adolescent development, strength based care, and taking care of ourselves.

The premise of strength based care is that there is no such thing as a bad kid - just a kid who has had bad experiences. I really like this theory - it gives me hope that I can use this to avoid burnout and/or Secondary Emotional Trauma. Deep down all of my clients are good kids. They've just been dealt really crappy hands, and it's my job to help them see past that, and to actualize and achieve their potential. It was disheartening that several of the women in my orientation group failed to see the point of Strength based care, and were fiendishly inclined to "tell the client like it is"... And thus labeling the client with terms (rude, manipulative etc.) that they have heard all their lives. I'd much rather tell them how the behavior effects me/others than give them a label... but that's just me... Enough on Strength Based Care... I'm rambling.

One of the therapists (who is incidentally working on his PhD dissertation on the subject) gave a talk about taking care of ourselves and avoiding Secondary Emotional Trauma. He handed out a worksheet that included signs/symptoms of burn out... I have most of those signs already (even though they are from EMS), and for the first time since I started this job, I started to panic, 'what am I getting myself into?!' How am I going to be able to do the job when I'm already showing signs of burnout?!

So much of this profession involves setting and following through with boundaries - something that I do not, nor have I ever succeeded in (which allowed me to fall into not one, but 2 very abusive relationships). It's something I've been working on in my own personal therapy, but it terrifies me that I will not be able to overcome and succeed with boundaries...

I realize this last paragraph is hardly articulate; it is chaotic in my brain as well.

Workity work work

Job update: I still really love my job. It is such a healthy change over from EMS. In order to function in EMS it is necessary for one to be predominantly emotionally closed off. In many ways, that's what drew me to EMS. I have been learning to become more in touch with and accepting/compassionate about my own emotions - thus increasing my empathy, and I outgrew EMS... It just doesn't fit anymore. So while I took a big pay cut, every penny is worth it, because I'm happy at work.

Some of the women that I really liked working with invited me to go out to the bar with them after work last night. It was so much fun! They are so different then all of my EMS friends - more like my Hampshire homies... I think I really made some new friends!

One of the cottages that I really like working in requested to have me as their permanent fill in. That makes me feel so good! There are campus counselors who have been there much longer, and they requested ME! :)

One of our clients with pretty severe paranoid schizophrenia had multiple melt downs last night. It's so sad, because she can't understand it, and she can't process what we're saying to her to help calm her down.... This really isn't the right facility for her, but it's what the government will pay for. She has a really understanding therapist there, and she has her own set of rules within the campus rules... since she can't really follow many of them because she isn't capable of understanding them... It's sad. But when she's in a good mood, her laughter is SO infectious! I really have a soft spot for her.

Bread

I made the bestest lunch creation! With my sourdough bread dough, I made a braid filled with acorn squash, some spices and brie cheese. OMG it's so good!!!!!

I also made english muffins and a loaf of bread... I made entirely too much dough.

First Week of work

So I've completed my week of training and my first week of real shifts at my new job - though I suppose I can now stop referring to it as my "new" job. The overall feeling: I love it. I've found my calling.

There are 9 different units, called cottages, and each have about 18 girls, except for one that is being developed and implemented this week - it is conduct cottage - all of the clients have conduct disorder. They are going to be on high structure 24/7. I'm REALLY glad I'm not in that cottage. No thank you!

The typical week day for me looks like this:

First, we go to fill in, which is where the staff for the evening meets with one of the therapists for the cottage for an hour to get filled in on what's going on with the clients that day. That lasts an hour. Then we go and pick the clients up from school, at which time we have to search each and every one of them (bra's, pants waist, socks and shoes), and then run the metal detector over each of them to make sure they are not hiding any contraband. We then walk on line skills (silence, arms length away from each other, facing forward in a single file line) back to cottage, where the clients change out of their school uniforms, and have afternoon needs, which they have to bring to us. (This usually includes wanting to go to some programming that night, or needing to call their PO or social worker). Bathroom breaks also happen now. Only one client is allowed in the bathroom at a time (even with multiple stalls) unless a staff is in there the monitor. Most cottages have free time in their rooms until dinner, when we line up again and walk to the caffeteria. In the caffeteria, the clients go through lines and then sit at specific tables for their cottage. There are 2 cottages in the cafeteria at a time, but they are not permitted to speak to one another. There are some clients who are on meal programs - They go to the TLC (the learning center) unit, where they have to eat in a cubby in isolation. They've shown that they can not handle themselves in the cafeteria. There are other clients who have to sit separately from the rest of the cottage in the cafeteria and eat in silence. 30 minutes of dinner, line back up, then outside time - unless there is a crisis going on in the quad - which happens kinda often.

When we get back to cottage, the clients are not allowed in the bathroom for 1 hour after eating to prevent any purging. We do structure and diciplines - where the clients sit at tables and write their diciplines (they have to write 1 page essays about what they did wrong and why it's wrong and what the correct behavior should be) and if they don't have any diciplines that day it's study hall.

Then we usually do some sort of group - that has a purpose (like bullying, healthy relationships, racial or cultural diversity etc.). Then it's hygiene and bed time. In bed by 9:30, lights out at 10.

Throughout all the time they're in cottage, staff has to do random room checks between 4-14 minutes. This continues until 12:30 AM, and then the checks go down to every 30 minutes. But I get off at midnight...

So that's my day. I love it. Girls give me attitude right and left since I'm new, and I think I've been called "bitch" more in the last 2 weeks than I was in my entire run of EMS. But I know the only reason these girls are doing this is to push me away - to test me to see if I'm really going to stick around with them. I am. At least one girl in each cottage breaks down every shift (it's usually more), and it's really rewarding being able to talk to them, and really listen to them, and acknowledge that their pain is real (even if the words that they are telling me are all horse shit), the pain is real.

I really hope that I can give to these girls the idea that there are kind people out there who care... just by being one myself.