To the Suggestion Box

The facility at which I am employed has a wide range of psychological pathologies. Among these are numerous girls with eating disorders - ranging from disordered eating to full blown Anorexia Nervosa. In my opinion, the facility is not equipped to adequately handle or treat clients with eating disorders. I've heard SO many staff express frustration, "why won't they just eat?! It's not that hard!".

I understand with the economy they are accepting clients from anywhere in order to stay afloat. It's frustrating as a staff member however (especially having been through treatment for my own eating disorder) to see the inadequacy of the treatment for these clients.

I was speaking to a co-worker about this frustration, and we came up with the idea of an eating disorder unit within the facility. There is an open unit (that is traditionally used for transitional housing, but has not been used in quite some time). There are plenty of girls on campus who would qualify to live in this unit, and then the facility could advertise and accept more clients with these diagnoses.

They would have to hire special staff - therapists for treatment, and staff qualified to administer food through nasogastric tubes. Paramedics are qualified to do this, and I would love to work in an eating disorders unit (I think...). It would have financial impact upfront, but I think long term it would be a financially smart move.

Eating Disorders

This morning, I helped one of my clients in treatment for an eating disorder do some research on eating disorders. I went onto the National Eating Disorders Assosciation's website and printed her out a couple accounts/"stories of hope" for her, as well as some scientific information about eating disorders. She also requested that I print some pictures of people with eating disorders - I figured she was going to do a collage (a lot of the girls do that for treatment stuff).

I printed this picture for her, among others. We had a bit of a discussion about it. She initially thought that this was a before and after picture, and she seriously believed that the anorexic image (not the reflection) was more beautiful. I tried to explain to her that the woman in the reflection is a very healthy and beautiful woman.

I however felt like a complete liar. All I could look at was her thighs and think, look at those disgusting fat thighs. Look at that cellulite.

What's wrong with me?! (Oh yeah, I too have an eating disorder....) I don't want to look like an anorexic skeleton - that grosses me out just as much.... The only thing I find beautiful is unnaturally thin and perfect and airbrushed figures in People magazine. It sickens me because I know that's not real, and I want to look healthy... It sickens me that I am (as well as hundreds of other women) are programmed to believe that's what we SHOULD look like.

She did make a collage. But a collage of idolization, and when regular staff came in at one, I learned that she isn't supposed to have images of eating disorders, because she fawns over them and sets goals to look like that. L. went to confiscate them, and the client threw a fit, and clung to them like a toddler - it ended up being a tug of war for the paper.

I thought at least the stories of hope I printed out for her would be helpful... Not so much. She read them as a "how to" guide, and at snack-time, she announced that starting tomorrow she was only going to be eating 100 calories a day, like one of the women in the stories I printed for her.

I felt so thwarted. I was trying to help her. I really thought I could give her some useful information - having been through treatment of an eating disorder myself. And big surprise.... What did I want to do when I got home? Binge and purge of course. I didn't. I ate my 2 pieces of pizza and my banana, and am now writing this.... so treatment does pay off... but it doesn't take the temptation away.

Oh for the love of lockdown...

A couple weeks ago, we had a particularly unstable client run away. She has been on the run since, and has been calling the facility all the time. This evening, I answered the phone and she said, "I'm outside". I tried to get her to tell me where particularly, is she on campus. Yes. Then she said, "Come outside. I have a gun.". I handed the phone to a staff that knew her better, and she said the same thing. A. hung up on her and called the supervisor. We spent the remainder of the evening on "code red". We were completely locked down. Nobody can come in or out of any buildings - on shift staff can not leave, oncoming staff can not come in. Clients have to be in their rooms with windows and blinds shut. The police came, and I had to give a statement to them. They spent several hours searching the campus with dogs. (Incidentally, it was snowing.)

Makes for an interesting night...

Calorie Counting Son of a Bitch!!!!!!!

Last night I was working with the most patronizing staff at work. He insisted on calling me "Miss MacKenzie" Even though I told him numerous times that it was just MacKenzie. He kept talking down to me about simple tasks. And he was really controlling of the girls (but also inconsistent). It really infuriated me.

The icing on the cake came when he was running snack time before bed.... He decided to limit the amount of calories the clients could have for snack. He was measuring out single serving cheeto's bags so they could only have a certain amount of calories. He was divvying up single serving packages of oreo cakesters... We have several clients with eating disorders in that unit (myself and the other counselor as well). I was so livid I had to take some space and leave the unit for a little while and go take a couple deep breaths and get myself under control. I'm still debating whether I'm going to file a formal complaint about it or not.

On Abuse Victims

We were having a discussion at work the other day about some pretty hot topics. It was an exercise designed to purposely provoke heated discussion, so we can learn tolerance for hearing the other side of the argument.

The statement was: Women who are abused who have children are guilty of child abuse if they do not leave their abuser.

I of course was on the side that NO they are not guilty of child abuse. It was actually split fifty fifty, which initially surprised me, and then on later discussion (I kept pretty quiet on my personal experience), everyone who was vehemently opposed to mothers being guilty of child abuse had been in an abusive relationship. Everyone on the other side of the argument had not.

One of the staff who had not been abused said, "It's totally is the woman's fault because she is allowing herself to be abused". I have never heard such an ignorant remark in my life. Victims do not "allow" themselves to be abused. It's a VICIOUS trap, and they don't know how to get out of it.

It really goes to show how little people do not understand about abuse. (This is another idea (of my many) on what I would like to delve deeper into with my masters degree).

Consistency... or lack of.

I wish that a regular spot (on days) would open in one of the two units I really enjoy working in. Sometimes it's so exhausting being a campus counselor - floating from one unit to another on any given day - sometimes multiple units within the day. Plus, the clients are NASTY and manipulative to fill in's like myself (some of them). I get so much "I don't have to do what you say, you're not my counselor". Well guess what kiddo, today I am. Every unit also has slightly different rules (based on their coordinating therapist), and a slightly different structure (or lack of structure for that matter). It's hard to have to memorize all 9 different sets of rules. All 160 clients names, all staff names....

Don't get me wrong, I still like my job, and relish in the consistency of a consistent schedule... I just wish that I had a consistent group of kids and staff that I worked with.